


The Last First Date

by nanifairy (ktwrites1530)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unresolved Issues, because I need an outlet for all my feelings, bobhwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-29 17:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19405315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktwrites1530/pseuds/nanifairy
Summary: Jinhwan and Jiwon waited for ten years for their first date.One of them knew it was going to be the first and the last.





	1. Chapter 1

**_JINHWAN_ **

Expectations. Too much of it could be deadly.

So when Jiwon asked him out, three nights ago, for what could be their first (official) date, Jinhwan didn’t expect anything. In fact, he expected that it wouldn’t push through, because the previous five times they had planned something like this to happen, Jiwon balked. _Always_.

Jiwon had cancelled on him far too many times for him to believe that this was the real deal.

Today, it was a different thing. When Jiwon called this morning to say that he would pick Jinhwan up at 4PM, Jinhwan started to expect. He wanted this day to be perfect. He didn’t want Jiwon to ruin it, and he himself wouldn’t want to ruin it either, because this date was ten years in the making.

It took them ten damn years to get here.

Come to think of it: it was probably Jiwon’s fault that it took them ten years to get a first date. Jinhwan was always ready and willing, vocal about how he felt about and towards Jiwon, but the other guy had always looked the other way, giving Jinhwan some crap about living life, going with the flow… _you only live once._

 _Well, Jiwon, life happened to me, too,_ Jinhwan thought. 

What he didn’t tell Jiwon was the minute he entered the car, Jinhwan knew that this was their first _and_ last date.

The moment Jiwon would drive away after this date ended, his chapter in Jinhwan’s life would close, too.

******

**_JIWON_ **

In Jiwon’s line of work, he had learned that you should expect the unexpected.

But nothing, really, could have prepared him for this day.

When Jiwon asked Jinhwan out a couple of nights ago, he fully intended it to be their first official date. He would, by hook or by crook, show up today. He was filled with expectations, because he waited for this. He waited ten fricking years for this. He knew it was his fault that he and Jinhwan never really pushed through—not just the dates, but everything, including him and Jinhwan.

Jiwon had always postponed, always balked on Jinhwan. He cancelled on Jinhwan for too many times that he knew that Jinhwan might not even think that _this_ time, it was real. He could recall the surprise in his voice, the soft _oh_ when he told his hyung that he would pick him up at 4PM. He detected the smile in his voice— _Did I make him happy that we’re finally pushing through?_ Jiwon thought. 

It’s their first official date. He couldn’t wait for it to start and to end, because he was looking forward to having more with Jinhwan.

Because finally, after a very long time, he had gotten the courage to ask him, if he could be a part of his life today and possibly for a long time in the future, as his boyfriend and his partner.


	2. Chapter 2

**_JINHWAN_ **

Jiwon’s car rolled down the curb, slowing to a stop in front of Jinhwan. He got down from the driver’s seat and walked towards Jinhwan’s direction, wanting to open the door for him. But Jiwon stopped, as if time had slowed. It gave Jinhwan time to inspect him, to see how much he had changed.

The last time Jinhwan saw Jiwon in the flesh was seven years ago, but Jinhwan didn’t tell him that he saw a photo of him that his brother had posted on Facebook. Jiwon did that photo justice—and more. Jinhwan couldn’t tell him that when he saw that photo, it literally took his breath away, and today wasn’t any different.

Jiwon looked so manly, so postured. He was holding up his body as if he was commanding so much authority and respect, and Jinhwan got that. It was already part and parcel of who he was now, the part of Jiwon that Jinhwan didn’t know that much anymore. He was now built bulkier and sturdier—Jinhwan could see what his training had done to him and his body. He was so clean-cut, but Jinhwan missed the way he had put up his hair back then, and how it had always fallen to cover his eyes, always tempting Jinhwan to brush it away.

 _But I didn’t have the right—back then and even now,_ Jinhwan thought.

Jiwon’s smile formed slowly, and Jinhwan couldn’t quite contain himself, returning it with a slow, sweet smile of his own.

He could his heart thumping loudly in his ears. _Can you hear that, Jiwon?_

“Jinani hyung,” Jiwon said, breathless. _Maybe Jiwon also felt the same._

“Jiwon.”

Jinhwan’s voice was more controlled; he was better at hiding how he felt, because he had always brushed his feelings for Jiwon aside. He had done that ever since, but there were times when Jiwon would draw him out, seeking his thoughts and getting a sense of how he felt.

Jiwon pulled the passenger car door open and Jinhwan slid in, and he saw Jiwon’s eyes linger for a moment on the tattoos on his arms. _Yes, I have tattoos now, a lot of them,_ Jinhwan thought. Jinhwan specifically wore a short-sleeved shirt to show off the tattoos on his arms, ones that he had mostly kept hidden because each and every single one of them had a significant meaning for him, and he didn’t like people’s judging looks and stares.

Jiwon came around the other side, and the moment he slid into the driver’s seat, he said, “Hyung, you look amazing.”

His eyes, the same pair of eyes that had rendered Jinhwan speechless for so many times before, were intent on Jinhwan’s. The older guy smiled a bit, feeling a bit satisfied. “Thanks,” he replied simply. And then Jiwon leaned forward, reaching behind Jinhwan. He then tugged the seatbelt across Jinhwan’s chest, and Jinhwan inhaled deeply, a hint of cigarette smoke wafting into his nose.

The seatbelt locked into place, and Jiwon did his. Jinhwan looked at the younger guy and blurted out the first thought in his head: “You smoke.”

It was a statement rather than a question, and it hung between them, in the air, like a balloon waiting to burst.

“I do. But not a lot,” Jiwon said, revving the car and sliding it into the highway. “Just a couple of sticks a day.”

Jinhwan decided not to push it—even if he wanted to scold Jiwon for making the choice to take on a potentially deadly vice. If he did, it would dampen the spirit of today, and he wanted it perfect. He bobbed his head, once, twice, as if in understanding—but not in agreement.

But Jiwon sensed it, in a way that he hadn’t before. “You don’t like it,” Jiwon said, glancing at his hyung. There was some sort of worry in his eyes, as if when Jinhwan said he didn’t, Jiwon would feel like he was a disappointment.

Jinhwan gave Jiwon a small smile. “I don’t. Just like how I don’t like a bunch of other things. I am pretty sure you have a list of your own.”

Jiwon grinned. “You grew a bit chubbier, hyung,” he said, taking another route. He was lucky Jinhwan didn’t take offense on statements concerning his weight, because he did gain weight.

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” Jinhwan replied with a wink. He felt a tinge of satisfaction when he saw the effect of the wink: a sudden blush in Jiwon’s cheeks.

“But I like it, hyung. You don’t seem like you would get blown by a strong wind anymore. You’re not thin as a stick. You’re… sexier now.”

Their eyes locked, and Jinhwan saw fire in Jiwon’s eyes that he couldn’t mistake for anything else.

“Thanks?” Jinhwan said. He swallowed the lump in his throat, looking away, putting his attention on the dull scenery that they were passing through.

“Where are we going?” Jinhwan asked. He remembered he had told Jiwon to just plan whatever he had thought was good. Jiwon had said he was thinking along the lines of dinner, coffee, and strolling, and while Jinhwan agreed on all three points, Jiwon didn’t give him the concrete plans.

Jiwon mentioned a mall a few miles away, and Jinhwan nodded. He had only been there a couple of times, but he did know there was a park next to it where the strolling part in Jiwon’s plan could take place.

Jinhwan looked out the window, smiling when he saw that it was full moon tonight. It was the second one this month, dubbed as the ‘blue moon,’ and it was a perfect night to stroll and watch the night sky.

“Leave the rest to me,” Jiwon said, but he caught Jinhwan shaking his head.

“No. I want to do something, too,” Jinhwan said, making Jiwon frown.

“What?”

“Arcade. I want to go to the arcade.”

The puzzled look on Jiwon’s face was priceless to Jinhwan. “Why, hyung?”

“I don’t know. I feel like shooting down zombies, racing not real cars, whacking moles out of existence, and shooting hoops. I need you to also get me a stuffed toy out of those hard-to-get claw machines.”

Jiwon smiled, and Jinhwan felt the car slowing down. Jiwon reached for the backseat quickly, and when his arm emerged, he was holding three long-stemmed red roses.

“I can start with these,” he said, his voice gruff.

“Aha,” Jinhwan said, taking the flowers. He inhaled them in, taking in the sweet scent.

Jiwon smiled a wide smile, one that rendered his eyes to turn into crescents-shaped slits. “Oh, hyung, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

Jinhwan paused, knowing from previous experience how romantic and sweet Jiwon was—and that was during the time when they weren’t even dating; they were just best friends. Jinhwan had a box full of the things that Jiwon had given him, and even after all these years, he had kept them. They were proofs that a man like Jiwon had existed in his life: an antique pocket watch with a bunny and a tangerine engraving at the back (an inside joke between them), a bunny plushie, a couple of handwritten letters (even if Jiwon’s handwriting were like chicken scratches on the ground), a scientific calculator with a label festooned with a lot of ‘I love you’ at the back, some empty packs of Oreos, and a heart that Jiwon had made from a plastic card. When Jiwon gave that to Jinhwan, he said that Jinhwan had his heart now.

Jinhwan never really figured that one out. _Were you telling me, Jiwon, I had your heart all this time? Then why were you in a relationship at that time, and it wasn’t with me?_

Jinhwan shook his head, getting rid of those last few thoughts, as those would effectively ruin the night. He took a deep breath, placing himself in the now, with the version of Jiwon in the present.

Jiwon said Jinhwan hadn’t seen anything yet, and with those words, Jinhwan’s expectations grew. _Was it a candlelit dinner, with musicians playing violins? Will you hold my hand when we walk? Will you finally declare and tell me that you love me?_

With another shake of his head, he cast those thoughts aside.

 _Manage your expectations,_ Jinhwan chastised himself, _especially since you know how this night would end._

******

**_JIWON_ **

Even before he cruised his car down the curb to pick Jinhwan up, he already saw his hyung waiting there, standing on the sidewalk, wearing a dark blue short-sleeved polo shirt with a few buttons at the top popped open, exposing a bit of his chest. His hair, now dyed a shade of what seemed to be a dark ash blonde, danced in the afternoon breeze, and Jiwon felt his heart ache a bit.

_How could someone be this beautiful just by standing there and wearing the simplest of things?_

Jiwon took a deep breath and rolled the car to a stop in front of Jinhwan. He got down, walking towards Jinhwan, wanting to open the car door for his hyung. But he slowed down, finally seeing Jinhwan up close this time. There were so many changes unveiling in front of Jiwon’s eyes, but the most prominent ones to him were the tattoos on Jinhwan’s arms, just peeking from under his polo shirt on his left arm and the more exposed ones on his right arm. He couldn’t discern the designs yet, but his curiosity was definitely piqued. He noted that Jinhwan was a bit fuller, too, remembering that Jinhwan was reed thin when his hyung left for college so many years ago. His eyes changed, too—they looked sharper now, with a sense of purpose and determination behind them.

Jiwon cussed inwardly. It was already hard for him to focus because he was nervous as to how this date was going to turn out, and this—this new Jinhwan—was distracting him, because he found him doubly attractive.

Jiwon’s lips slowly curved into a smile, and his heart skipped a beat when Jinhwan smiled back.

 _Good grief_.

“Jinani hyung,” he said, scolding himself with how breathless that came out. It was giving away too much, showing Jinhwan that he had the upper hand.

“Jiwon.”

The younger guy could see that Jinhwan was better at this, at controlling how he felt. In the years that they knew each other before, Jinhwan was the one who always managed to keep his emotions in check, sometimes to a fault.

 _I missed the way you say my name_ , Jiwon thought.

Jinhwan slid into the passenger seat, and Jiwon’s eyes darted to the tattoos on his arms again. _Was that a musical staff with notes on it? But there were letters floating around it, too,_ Jiwon thought. _V-O-Y-A-G-E-R_ … _Voyager of what?_

Jiwon was curious, but he didn’t pry about the tattoos yet. He had some of his own, so he knew that most tattoos have personal meanings.

The second he was in the driver’s seat, he said, “Hyung, you look amazing.” He stared at his hyung, gazing at his eyes that he rarely saw fully before as Jinhwan hid it behind eyeglasses before. But the glasses were gone this time, and his eyes were captivating. Jiwon always loved his hyung’s eyes, and he had always told him that, whenever he had teased Jinhwan before and removed the older guy’s glasses, but he knew Jinhwan never believed him.

 _I wish you knew how beautiful you are,_ Jiwon thought.

“Thanks,” came Jinhwan’s simple reply.

Jiwon leaned forward, seeing that Jinhwan didn’t have his seatbelt on. He reached behind Jinhwan’s head, tugging at it. He could feel the older guy’s warm breath on his neck when Jinhwan exhaled, and then Jiwon drew back, locking the seatbelt into place. He snapped his seatbelt on, too, and before he could start the car, Jinhwan looked at him.

“You smoke.”

The surprise was evident on Jinhwan’s face, like he didn’t really mean to say it, but he did. Jinhwan looked like he wanted to take it back—not that he could.

Jiwon chastised himself for burning through a stick before he fetched Jinhwan. The older guy made him nervous, and Jiwon still did it even though he knew Jinhwan didn’t like smokers. Jinhwan’s dad wasn’t one, and Jiwon knew that Jinhwan held his dad as the highest of all standards. Jinhwan’s father was his hyung’s hero, and he had measured every man he knew against his father.

Jiwon also knew that even before he left Jinhwan the first time that he couldn’t be that guy, the guy to be the same as Jinhwan’s father, but he could try. He wanted to try.

“I do. But not a lot,” Jiwon said, revving the car. They started forward, and he felt the need to add some more explanation. “Just a couple of sticks a day.”

Jiwon saw Jinhwan nod in a way that he understood that Jiwon smoked but it wasn’t necessary that he agreed with it. “You don’t like it,” Jiwon said, not a question but a statement. He could almost see it in his hyung’s face, and Jiwon didn’t want Jinhwan to be turned off with him less than an hour into their date.

_I should’ve taken note of your deal breakers._

Jiwon had wanted to kick the habit out. For six years and counting.

But then Jinhwan smiled a small smile, that thrifty smile that was Jiwon’s favorite. “I don’t. just like how I don’t like a bunch of other things. I am pretty sure you have a list of your own.”

Jiwon decided to drop it, but needing another topic because he missed hearing Jinhwan’s voice and his stories. So he said the first thing that came to his mind: “You grew a bit chubbier, hyung.”

His worry immediately seeped into his senses, as Jinhwan might take offense in his words. Not everyone was comfortable when the topic was their weight. But Jinhwan winked, and Jiwon’s heart skipped another beat.

 _Don’t do that, hyung. Not unless you want me to kiss you, right here, right now,_ Jiwon wanted to say, feeling his cheeks feel warmer. 

“You’re not the first person to tell me that.” Jinhwan replied.

“But I like it, hyung. You don’t seem like you would get blown by a strong wind anymore. You’re not thin as a stick. You’re… sexier now.”

Jiwon couldn’t control how his voice turned husky. _What is happening?_

Their eyes locked, and Jiwon didn’t know what Jinhwan could see in his. Jinhwan’s eyes were happy, giddy eyes, and Jiwon loved them—always have, always will. He guessed that Jinhwan didn’t like what he saw in his eyes, because the older guy turned away.

“Where are we going?”

Jiwon hoped that this question didn’t get asked, because he wanted everything to be a surprise. Even though he wasn’t one of a planner, he wanted this day to be perfect, so Jinhwan wouldn’t think twice in saying yes when he asked for another one. There was nothing his hyung could do that would make Jiwon to not want another date. He waited for this. He had screwed up his life in more ways than one—hell, he screwed up everything with Jinhwan—and this was one of his steps in trying to make things right with the older guy.

 _I want to be with you_.

Jiwon’s resolve was firmer—now more than ever.

Jiwon mentioned a mall that has a park at the back, and Jinhwan only nodded in response. It made the younger guy uneasy that he couldn’t quite put a finger as to how Jinhwan was feeling.

“Leave the rest to me,” he said instead, trying to assure Jinhwan. He knew there were three items on their list today: dinner, coffee, and then stroll. He was particularly looking forward to the stroll, because he wanted to hold his hyung’s hand as they walked and looked at the night sky.

“No. I want to do something, too.”

Jiwon frowned, wondering what could Jinhwan wanted to do that wasn’t on his list. A movie? “What?” he asked.

“Arcade. I want to go the arcade.”

That made Jiwon stop, as he never figured Jinhwan to be an arcade person. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I feel like shooting down zombies, racing not real cars, whacking moles out of existence, and shooting hoops. I need you to also get me a stuffed toy out of those hard-to-get claw machines.”

Jiwon smiled. What his hyung wanted was tough, but he was willing to try anything. He slowed the car down, knowing he had to be quick, and found the roses that he had bought before he picked Jinhwan up. He held it towards his hyung. “I can start with this,” he said.

“Aha.” Jinhwan took the flowers, the smile on his face telling Jiwon that he had done something nice.

Jiwon’s heart swelled, smiling a wide smile of his own, the one that he knew Jinhwan liked. “Oh, hyung, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

Jiwon ran through his plans for the day quietly. Since you wanted to go to the arcade, they’d have to do it prior to dinner. He would try his best to get Jinhwan a plushie, an Elmo if they have it, because that was Jinhwan’s favorite.

And then they would have dinner at this posh restaurant that he knew Jinhwan would love—that is, if Jinhwan still loved steaks. Initially his plan was this restaurant at a farm, with a quiet, laidback ambiance, but they were full for the weekend, and Jiwon had to make do with what he had. He reserved a small room at the restaurant instead—a small price to pay for the privacy he wanted—and arranged for a candlelit dinner.

And then coffee—they would buy it first and then they would go for the stroll. They’d drop by this really good donut place that sells heavenly glazed donuts that they could pair with the coffee.

After that, under the stars and the blue moon ( _such great timing_ ), Jiwon would hold his hyung’s hand. He would embrace him, if his hyung would allow him.

And if his hyung would also let him, Jiwon would kiss him, something that he had wanted to do for a long time now.


	3. Chapter 3

**_JINHWAN_ **

“I am way too rusty for this.”

Jinhwan grinned at Jiwon as the younger guy looked on in horror at the flashing GAME OVER on his side of the screen. He had beaten Jiwon in the race for the third consecutive time, and that was after Jinhwan had outshot him in their best-of-five basketball match.

“That, or you’re just letting me win,” Jinhwan teased.

Jiwon shook his head. “I think we’ve been through so many things already just to let you win, hyung,” he said, and Jinhwan didn’t say anything in response. They had been through a lot—how Jiwon’s girlfriend in middle school gave Jinhwan hell, how Jiwon got all jealous boyfriend on Jinhwan when he saw that Jinhwan was talking to his ex, how Jiwon asked him to be his boyfriend only to take it back, their struggle on their preferences of the people to love when the society says no back when they were growing up.

It was more acceptable now, thankfully, so when Jiwon took Jinhwan’s hand, the glances they would get weren’t the judging kind. He pulled Jinhwan towards the prize claw machines. “Your turn to win,” Jinhwan said, and Jiwon shrugged in response, as if saying that he could do this without Jinhwan egging him on. Jiwon didn’t ask what kind stuffed toy Jinhwan wanted, but there was a pretty cute Elmo hiding under Pooh, Cookie Monster, and Angry Birds plushies.

Jinhwan stood there, next to Jiwon, as he slid a token into the slot and the machine was alive. Intense concentration was written all over Jiwon’s face, as he guided the claw towards the Elmo. Jinhwan didn’t know what Jiwon was doing at first, but after a while he got Jiwon’s strategy. The first time out, Jiwon nudged Pooh covering Elmo. At the second try, he had clawed at the Cookie Monster out of the way, unearthing Elmo slowly. At the third try, Elmo was free, but it dropped halfway to the box.

That made both of them groan, and then Jinhwan smiled. “One more,” Jiwon said, and the older guy nodded, an encouraging smile on his face.

Jiwon slid the token in, and the game was alive again. He slowly guided the claw towards the center where Elmo was. Beads of sweat lined his forehead, and Jinhwan wanted to wipe them dry but he didn’t want to break Jiwon’s concentration.

The claw bit on the Elmo plushie, and Jinhwan was afraid that when Jiwon would press on that button to lift the toy, it will drop. But it didn’t. They watched in silence as the machine slowly slide back to the space above the box, the Elmo hanging precariously on the claw by its arm. The claw clicked into place, and before the claw opened, the Elmo toy slid from its grasp.

Jinhwan held his breath, because he wasn’t sure if it will fall into the box that would lead to the ‘exit.’ And then he heard Jiwon’s _aha_ , saw the younger guy’s victorious fist pump.

The toy made it.

“YES!” Jinhwan yelled, and he hugged Jiwon, wrapping his arms around Jiwon’s neck and just hugged the hell out of him. It felt like time was suspended, the sounds muted, and the lights that were enough to cause a seizure suddenly not mattering. Jiwon wrapped his arms around the older guy’s waist, lifting him up, Jinhwan’s lips grazing Jiwon’s neck accidentally.

Trapped in that moment, Jinhwan couldn’t help but feel a bit sad. He waited for this, for so many years—Jiwon holding him tightly, as if never wanting to let him go. Them together. Because for ten years, Jinhwan was Jiwon’s, but Jiwon was never his, even if he had prayed hard for them to be together.

But he was tired. Of waiting and hanging around, being Jiwon’s last resort. Tired of being picked up like a doll, played with, and then dropped again in one corner because a new shiny thing came around. He was tired of being Jiwon’s checkpoint, the person in his life anchoring Jiwon to whatever.

And that was why Jinhwan decided to end it. Because he couldn’t move forward with his life with Jiwon always tethered to him. He dated, sure, but at the back of his mind, he always wondered _what if Jiwon came back and I was with someone?_ Jinhwan would take one step forward, and then Jiwon would appear, and he would get lost again.

Jinhwan shook his head, clearing his mind of such ugly thoughts. _This day must be perfect,_ he reminded himself. He was granting himself one day of bliss with you, and then he was gone.

So Jinhwan gave Jiwon one more squeeze, arms still tight around the man. He didn’t even think that this could be a bit too much of a celebration for a plushie, but it didn’t matter.

Jinhwan drew back, a big smile on his face, and then Jiwon winked at him. He released Jinhwan, and retrieved the Elmo plushie from the receptacle, presenting it to Jinhwan.

“Thank you, kind sir,” Jinhwan said, and Jiwon let out a contented sigh.

Jinhwan hugged the stuffed Elmo, and Jiwon reached into his pocket, retrieving his phone, snapping a photo or two of his hyung in his Elmo-induced euphoria.

******

**_JIWON_ **

Jiwon hoped he wasn’t making a bad very bad impression of himself. He had lost to Jinhwan in the race car game for the third consecutive time, and he had beaten Jiwon thrice in a best-of-five shootout.

“I am way too rusty for this.”

Jinhwan’s grin made Jiwon forget that there was a big red GAME OVER on his side of the screen. _I can stare at you for days, Jinani. I missed you smiling at me._

“That, or you’re just letting me win,” Jinhwan teased him, and Jiwon wanted to reach out to poke his cheek. But instead, he shook his head, both to clear his head and to disagree with his hyung.

“I think we’ve been through so many things already just to let you win, hyung,” Jiwon said, and Jinhwan stayed silent. Jiwon did a mental recall of all the things they’ve been through—how his first long-term girlfriend bullied Jinhwan even though Jinhwan was older, all because she was jealous of Jinhwan, how Jiwon pulled Jinhwan through your breakup with your ex, how he had asked Jinhwan to be his boyfriend but retracted it.

How they always find each other—how Jiwon could always find Jinhwan without trying hard enough.

Jiwon took Jinhwan’s hand and led them to the prize claw machines. He was ready to face it—he wanted to get Jinhwan the cute Elmo stuffed toy. He hadn’t needed to ask Jinhwan which one he wanted. It was always Elmo. If Elmo wasn’t there, Cookie Monster would do.

Jiwon didn’t show that he was nervous about this, especially when he saw that Elmo was tucked under Pooh and Cookie Monster. He didn’t know how in the hell was he going to get it out, so he had to strategize.

“Your turn to win,” Jinhwan said, and Jiwon took it as a challenge. He shrugged, taking a deep breath before sliding a token into the slot. Jinhwan stood next to Jiwon, not too close to distract Jiwon but not too far either that Jiwon would feel alone. The machine came alive, and Jiwon imagined that it was just him and Jinhwan and the machine, and everything else was quiet. He concentrated first on Pooh, shoving it out of the way with the claw. Sliding another coin into the slot, he removed Cookie Monster away from Elmo, and Elmo was peeking through. In his third try, Jiwon managed to tug Elmo, and he knew that was it—until Elmo dropped halfway to the box.

Jinhwan groaned just as Jiwon did, but the older guy recovered quickly, beaming at Jiwon. “One more,” Jiwon said, and Jinhwan nodded, an encouraging smile on his face.

Jiwon rolled the token into the slot, and the lights blinked. He grabbed the joystick and slowly guided the claw towards the center where Elmo was. He tried not to let his hand shake. At the corner of his eye, he could see Jinhwan’s hand clasped to his chest—eager, waiting… nervous.

The claw bit on Elmo’s arm, barely getting anything. Jiwon was scared that if he pressed the LIFT button, the toy would drop again, and he didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face. But he had to, he the claw lifted Elmo up in the air without dropping it. They stayed silent as the claw slid back to its slot above the box, Elmo still dangling, like it was holding onto its dear life. The claw locked in place, and then Elmo dropped, and for a moment, Jiwon closed his eyes, not wanting to see what happened.

But it fell through.

“Aha!” Jiwon said, fist pumping into the air.

He turned to Jinhwan, who had the happiest face that Jiwon had ever seen, as he yelled, “YES!” And then Jinhwan accosted him with a hug, wrapping his arms around Jiwon’s neck. It was the tightest hug Jiwon has ever felt, and he held onto Jinhwan, clinging to him because he felt like home. _Jinhwan is home—he always had been._ Jinhwan was the home that Jiwon had ran away from but he had always come back to.

 _I just want to stay in this moment, hyung. Please let us stay here,_ Jiwon thought.

Jiwon lifted Jinhwan off his feet, still wrapped in Jinhwan. The older guy’s lips grazed Jiwon’s neck. He knew it was an accident, but it sent shivers down Jiwon’s spine.

He planted Jinhwan down on his feet, not caring if there were two grown-up men who had already watching them as they celebrated far too much for a plushie. Jinhwan looked up at Jiwon, a big smile on his face, and it took so much willpower on Jiwon’s part not to plant a kiss on him right there and then.

He released Jinhwan, retrieving Elmo, and handed it to Jinhwan.

“Thank you, kind sir,” Jinhwan said, and the happiness on Jinhwan’s face was enough for Jiwon. It was worth it, filing that leave even if his superior advised against it because he would be missing a full day of training and would potentially affect his promotion to captain.

Jinhwan was always worth it.

Jiwon let out a contented sigh as Jinhwan hugged the Elmo plushie, and he couldn’t help himself. He took out his phone from his pocket, and he snapped a couple of photos of Jinhwan, all Elmo-happy, treasuring this moment just like every moment he had with Jinhwan.


	4. Chapter 4

**_JINHWAN_ **

Jinhwan was still burping when he and Jiwon walked out of the private room that the younger guy had reserved, thinking that he may have had enough baby back ribs to last him an entire quarter. The conversation over dinner was light just as the dinner was heavy; Jinhwan thought Jiwon had ordered everything on the menu that he knew was Jinhwan’s favorite.

A thought nagged at Jinhwan as they ate, as they laughed and teased each other: _This could have been us. This is how we should have been_.

Jiwon held his hand while they walked out, as if it was the most natural thing to do. In his other hand, Jinhwan held the Elmo plushie, clutching it near his body.

“I haven’t felt this full in months,” Jinhwan said, and Jiwon glanced at him.

“When was the last time?” Jiwon asked, casual, but Jinhwan hesitated. In the interest of full discretion, he didn’t want to lie—even if the entire premise of him being in this date was a lie.

So he told the truth.

“Food trip with Hanbin in Busan. He took me there for a quick getaway trip.”

“Hmm,” was all Jiwon managed to say. Jinhwan had dropped Hanbin’s name a couple of times during dinner, but Jiwon didn’t ask who Hanbin was. Hanbin was the breath of fresh air for Jinhwan—the chance at a new life that was knocking on his door. They have been casually seeing each other for a couple of months before Jiwon popped back again in his life, and he had to put whatever he had with Hanbin on hold first.

Just another guy that he had asked if they could press pause, all because Jiwon was back.

Jiwon and Jinhwan were already close to the restaurant’s exit when Jinhwan heard a bunch of voices call his name out in a not-so-harmonious chorus. “Kim Jinhwan!”

Jinhwan turned, surprised at the group—or more aptly, family—who called him, situated at the restaurant across the one where he and Jiwon came from. He pulled Jiwon to cross the length of the hall to them, and Jiwon trailed behind him, an unwilling guest.

 _Did you see who it was, Jiwon?_ Jinhwan wanted to ask him., but he didn’t, because this was an opportunity for him. He needed Jiwon to feel this, the way he had been feeling every time Jiwon had someone, every time he had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, every time he stopped to tell Jinhwan that he loved him and then the next day he was with someone else.

Jinhwan’s desire to make this night perfect, to take a high road, was trumped by his ten years of bitterness.

“Hey,” Jinhwan greeted everyone else when they stood up. He broke away from Jinhwan before Jiwon released his hand—and it was a struggle, because Jiwon obviously didn’t want him to go. They were a family of four, the parents and the children. The main focus of his attention was Junhoe, who greeted him first, giving him a tight hug and a big clap on the back.

Then Junhoe’s noona, Yejin, followed, hugging him as well and giving him a peck on the cheek. “Happy birthday, Yejin noona,” Jinhwan said, and Yejin grinned. “Oh wow, you remembered!” she said. And then she turned to Junhoe, rolling her eyes at her brother. “I always liked him, and disliked you for letting him go, you know?”

“Aigoo, noona,” Junhoe replied, cheeks turning red in embarrassment. He pushed her back to their table, and Jinhwan turned to Junhoe’s parents, who welcomed him with warm smiles. Then they waved bye to Jinhwan, going back to their table, leaving Junhoe behind.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” Junhoe asked, and Jinhwan finally got the chance to pull Jiwon back into the picture. The look on Jiwon’s face was hard, and Jinhwan couldn’t read his eyes, signalling to him that whatever Jinhwan had intended to do, it worked.

Jinhwan stumbled, unsure if he would still introduce Jiwon to Junhoe. Well, ‘reintroduce’ was the correct term, considering—

“Junhoe,” Jiwon greeted him, before Jinhwan could speak, and he offered a hand for a shake. “The ex.”

Jinhwan winced, casting an apologetic look towards Junhoe’s direction, but Junhoe took it in stride, just like he always did. Junhoe knew about Jiwon and his history with Jinhwan. The eldest never really understood Jiwon’s dislike towards his ex, but he completely understood Junhoe’s dislike towards his absentee love of his life.

 _Did you dislike Junhoe because he was my ex? Or because you saw that he treated me way better than you ever did?_ Jinhwan had always wanted to ask, but he never got the chance.

“Jiwon hyung,” Junhoe greeted back, accepting the man’s handshake. They shook hands only for a split second, as if too much skin contact would kill them both. “The I-still-don’t-know-what of Jinhwan hyung. Last I checked, you were the disappearing best friend who broke his heart for the nth time.”

Jinhwan stopped himself from smiling. He liked the buttons that Junhoe were pushing, and it amused him, because he didn’t have to prompt Junhoe.

Jiwon gritted his teeth, his jaw set, as if ready for combat.

“You still owe me that chocolate cake! And the Jeju trip!” Jinhwan plowed on, and he felt Jiwon’s hand on his shoulder, giving him a slight squeeze, as if telling him to stop.

But Jinhwan wouldn’t. He knew it was childish, but he needed Jiwon to feel this.

“I’ll tell noona to plan the Jeju trip. And about the chocolate cake, let me know when you’re free. Let’s have lunch or dinner along with the cake that I’ll buy for you,” Junhoe replied smoothly. He was, to Jinhwan, playing his part well, even if it was totally unrehearsed.

“Next week.”

“It’s a date,” Junhoe replied with a wink.

Jinhwan leaned towards Junhoe, whispering into his ear a hurried thanks, and then, aloud, “Next week.” And then he gave him a peck on the cheek.

Junhoe then said goodbye, gave Jiwon a curt nod, and went back to his family. Jinhwan turned to Jiwon, a bit cheery, saying, “Let’s go get the coffee.”

The younger guy shook his head slowly, the fire in his eyes more of anger instead of something else. “Unless you wanted to join their family dinner,” he quipped. There was an undercurrent of threat in Jiwon’s voice, but Jinhwan remained unfazed.

“Let’s go,” Jinhwan said instead, pulling Jiwon towards their intended destination before Junhoe and his family interrupted.

******

**_JIWON_ **

Jiwon smiled as he led Jinhwan out of the private room, hearing him burp for one more time. _We really need to get that coffee,_ he thought. He enjoyed that dinner, one of the best he had in a long while, and he attributed it to Jinhwan being his date.

He looked forward to more dates with Jinhwan.

Jiwon reached down, grabbing Jinhwan’s hand and holding it. He didn’t want to let go. A quick glance told him Jinhwan was holding Elmo in his other hand, clutching it close to his body, and Jiwon’s heart warmed at the sight.

“I haven’t felt this full in months,” Jinhwan said.

“When was the last time?” Jiwon asked, and the older guy gave him a shrug that wasn’t nonchalant at all. There was hesitation, but Jiwon knew Jinhwan would always tell him the truth.

“Food trip with Hanbin in Busan. He took me there for a quick getaway trip.”

There it was again. That name. Jinhwan had mentioned that name during dinner and whenever he did, there was a noticeable glow in his eyes. A wistful smile coupled that shine in his eyes, which made Jiwon almost want to ask who Hanbin was to Jinhwan.

“Hmm,” was all he could say, because he didn’t want to sound like a jealous boyfriend, because he wasn’t Jinhwan’s boyfriend.

He was just jealous.

They were already close to the restaurant’s exit when there was a bunch of people who called Jinhwan.

“KIM JINHWAN!”

Jiwon turned, wondering who in the hell was interrupting our date. They were a group of people seated at a resto just across the one where they had their happy dinner. Jinhwan tugged at Jiwon’s hand as the older guy walked towards them, and Jiwon trailed behind him, hoping that he could feel that Jiwon didn’t want to go.

And then Jiwon saw him—the guy he was absolutely scared of because Jinhwan really cared for him back when they were together, and Jiwon was the best friend. This was the guy who made Jinhwan cry, the guy he had to talk to even after they broke up just to clarify things about the breakup. Jiwon could still remember how mad he felt when he saw Jinhwan talking to this guy, and they were laughing, as if the guy didn’t hurt Jinhwan when the former broke up with him via Kakaotalk.

The smile on Jinhwan’s face was easy and loose, like Jinhwan didn’t have any issues with the guy before, and that irked Jiwon.

“Hey,” Jinhwan greeted them. Jiwon didn’t let go of his hyung’s hand, but Jinhwan shook him off, and it took Jiwon three deep breaths to calm himself down. Jinhwan greeted Junhoe first, who have him a tight hug and a big clap on the back.

Then it was who Jiwon assumed as Junhoe’s sister, who hugged Jinhwan as well, and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Happy birthday, Yejin noona,” Jinhwan said, and that made Jiwon frowned. _Wow, you remembered_ that _? It had been how many years since middle school, since Junhoe_.

Yejin grinned. “Oh wow, you remembered!” she said with glee. And then she turned to Junhoe, rolling her eyes at her brother and nudging him. “I always liked him, and disliked you for letting him go, you know?”

Junhoe flushed into a deep shade of red, embarrassed. “Aigoo, noona,” he said, shaking his head as he pushed her back towards their table. Jiwon watched as Jinhwan now turned to Junhoe’s parents, who welcomed him with warm smiles. He knew that Jinhwan had a very amicable relationship with Junhoe’s parents, who accepted their relationship even if it was frowned upon by the general society. They stood by Junhoe, and they stood by Jinhwan, too.

Until Junhoe broke up with Jinhwan.

They went back to their table, and Junhoe stayed, much to Jiwon’s dismay.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” Junhoe asked, and that reminded Jinhwan of his date. He wasn’t sure what Jinhwan saw on his face, but Jiwon was pretty sure he was exuding anger already.

Jiwon saw Jinhwan hesitate, as if unsure that he wanted Jiwon to talk to his ex. But Jiwon did want to talk to Junhoe, especially when he hasn’t given him grief before for hurting Jinhwan.

“Junhoe,” Jiwon greeted, offering him a handshake before Jinhwan could even speak. “The ex,” he added pointedly, because he felt that Jinhwan needed reminding. He was an ‘ex’ for a reason. He broke Jinhwan’s heart and made his hyung cry.

Jiwon was aware he also did those things, even far worse and possibly far more many times than what Junhoe had done, so he wasn’t any better than Junhoe was.

But he was blinded by jealousy, and he let the monster consume him.

Jinhwan winced, giving Junhoe an apologetic look, and the other guy shrugged, as if it was nothing. “Jiwon hyung,” he greeted back, accepting the handshake. The contact was only a split-second, and they released each other’s hands just as quickly. “The I still-don’t-know-what of Jinhwan hyung. Last I checked, you were the disappearing best friend who broke his heart for the nth time.”

Jiwon’s eyes flashed towards Jinhwan’s direction, but the hyung’s face wasn’t giving away anything. _How did he know all of these?_ Why _does he know all these? Are you still in contact with him?_ Jiwon wanted to ask, but not right now.

Jiwon gritted his teeth, trying to stop his anger from boiling over. He balled his fists tight until the knuckles turned white, and he wanted to fight.

“You still owe me that chocolate cake! And the Jeju trip!” Jinhwan continued, his voice cheery, and Jiwon couldn’t take it anymore. He placed his hand on Jinhwan’s shoulder, hoping that his hyung would take it as a sign to stop.

But he didn’t.

_Why are you doing this, Kim Jinhwan?_

“I’ll tell noona to plan the Jeju trip. And about the chocolate cake, let me know when you’re free. Let’s have lunch or dinner along with the cake that I’ll buy for you,” Junhoe replied easily, as if it was perfectly normal for the two of them to be seeing each other, planning out-of-town trips and dates.

“Next week,” Jinhwan replied, and Jiwon counted slowly, one to ten, before he decided who to lash out to first—Jinhwan for encouraging his ex, or Junhoe, for having the gall to flirt with Jinhwan.

Junhoe, winking, answered, “It’s a date.”

The next thing Jiwon sees was that Jinhwan was leaning towards Junhoe, whispering something into his ex’s ear, and then catching a bit of whatever he was saying—“Next week”—before kissing Junhoe on the cheek.

Jiwon looked away, gears turning in his head, and he got it. The entire thing was serendipitous, but it worked in Jinhwan’s favor. The older guy was making Jiwon jealous.

And it worked—he did one hell of a good job.

Junhoe bade them goodbye, giving Jiwon a curt nod by way of parting. And then Jinhwan turned to him, happy and bright, a glow in his eyes. “Let’s go get coffee.”

Jiwon shook his head slowly, and the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could even stop himself. “Unless you want to join their family dinner.” The rumble of threat was there in Jiwon’s voice, and back then it used to scare Jinhwan whenever the younger guy got mad.

But Jinhwan stood his ground, unfazed, gazing up at Jiwon like he didn’t care at all that he was mad.

“Let’s go,” Jinhwan said, pulling him towards the coffee shop.

Jiwon sighed, mouth in a thin line, unable to let it go.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't hate me for this chapter 😢

**_JINHWAN_ **

Jinhwan wasn’t sure if Jiwon had already calmed down after they ran into Junhoe and his family. Jiwon was still seething when they bought their coffee, and even when they were headed to the park behind the mall. Jiwon was quiet, too quiet for comfort. He was still holding Jinhwan’s hand, but there wasn’t any comfort in that either—his grip was tight, both telling Jinhwan that this was a punishment, and that Jiwon didn’t want to let him go.

Jinhwan wriggled his fingers under the younger guy’s grip and he relaxed a bit, giving Jinhwan a sideway glance.

“Sorry,” they both said at the same time, and Jiwon stopped walking. They stood there, coffee cups in both of their hands. Jinhwan had tucked the Elmo under his arm, silently thankful it was there to also absorb Jiwon’s impending wrath.

He watched as Jiwon opened his mouth and then stopped, as if not really knowing which topic to begin with. And then he closed his mouth, running through his thoughts once more as Jinhwan sipped coffee, preparing himself.

And then finally, Jiwon spoke.

“Why are you still seeing Junhoe?”

Jinhwan smirked. _Really? Out of all the topics to choose from—like why I tried to make you jealous and had a really good kick out of it, or why we’re still here, ten years later, etcetera, etcetera—you choose Junhoe as the jump-off point,_ he thought.

“We’re still good friends,” Jinhwan said simply, and Jiwon shook his head, looking above the older guy’s head into the night sky. He noticed that Jiwon tried to calm his breathing, and then after a while it stabled.

“But he hurt you.”

Jinhwan responded with a wry smile. “If I don’t become friends with every person who has hurt me, I might have just chosen to exile myself in a secluded island.” And then he fixed Jiwon a steady gaze. “And if that was the gauge, then what am I doing here with you?”

Wordlessly, Jiwon took a step, and then another, and Jinhwan followed him, until they got to a bench. They sat there, still stewing in their silence, a war about to break. Jinhwan wondered who had the most ammunition and the best strategy, all while fixing Elmo on the bench between him and Jiwon, ensuring the plushie was balanced.

 _I hope I don’t lose to you again,_ Jinhwan thought.

Jinhwan placed his coffee cup next to Elmo, between them, at the same time that Jiwon did. They avoided each other’s gaze, eyes instead on the dark horizon glittered with stars. Jinhwan picked one and wished with all his might that Jiwon’s chapter in his life would finally end tonight.

The silence stretched. It was a silence that Jinhwan liked for some reason, a silence indicative of what he was going to hear from Jiwon after tonight.

“We’re at that part of the day that I was hoping we wouldn’t get to, but… we’re here,” Jiwon said, his gruff voice shattering the quiet. He paused, waiting for Jinhwan to speak.

“Why, Jiwon? Why _just now_?” Jinhwan asked, unable to stop his voice from breaking. He clasped his hands together on his lap, afraid that Jiwon would see his hands shaking. He looked at Jiwon, but Jiwon avoided his gaze. The younger guy stared far away, and Jinhwan wondered if Jiwon heard his question because he hasn’t spoken in a full minute.

And then Jiwon finally spoke.

“I was scared. Each time I want to take that step—to ask you out, to woo you, to… _love you_ —the fear that I’d lose you takes the best of me.”

Jinhwan rolled his eyes, feeling incredulous. “I think if there was one thing that you were forever sure of, Jiwon, was that you weren’t ever going to lose me,” Jinhwan spat. “That’s why you keep on coming back.”

Jiwon finally looked at Jinhwan, panic written all over his face. “No. No, Jinani hyung. No,” he said, shaking his head sharply, stumbling through his words.

“No, Jiwon! Come on, if anything, I think I have proven—time and again—that I would always stay. And I did, didn’t I? It’s been ten years. Even if you’re not always there. Even if you can’t even tell it to my face that you really do—or did—love me, without the ‘as a friend’ condition attached to it. Even when… even when you finally did tell me, over the phone, that you love me, more than anyone, just to break me.” Jinhwan raised his hands in frustration, glaring at Jiwon. “ _I don’t get you_.”

“I love you, Kim Jinhwan. I meant what I said when I said it. Without all those damn clauses. Not just a friend. More than a friend. _More than anyone and_ —”

“Then why the fuck did you not stay, huh? If you really did love me, why didn’t you get over that stupid fear and fight, Jiwon?” Jinhwan asked, and he could see his words, one by one, slowly piercing through Jiwon. Tears sprang into the younger guy’s eyes, his face looking confused as ever.

Jinhwan plowed on, not wanting to stop. “Do you know how hard those ten years were for me, Jiwon?” This was his chance. Ten years, and it all boiled down to this one moment. “You didn’t choose to study in the uni where I was, even if we made a pact. You chose to study in the city, far away from me. But I waited. For you to come back. But you….” Jinhwan paused, taking a deep breath as his voice was shaking too much. “You forgot all about me. All I heard were news about you and how you were slowly screwing up your life. I thought… okay, maybe you have really moved on and you’ve forgotten about me and your stupid promises—”

“I didn’t want you to see who I was becoming, Jinhwan hyung,” Jiwon cut in, head hung low, ashamed.

The calm in Jiwon’s voice reverberated through Jinhwan’s anger. “What? The man who fails his subjects, even Korean? The man who… who spends his days out with his friends, not even lifting a page of any book?” Jinhwan said, trying to control his voice, trying so hard not to shout at Jiwon in front of everyone in the park. The people seemed oblivious of their intense conversation, that they were breaking down the ten years that spanned their relationship, friendship, or whatever bullshit they had.

But Jinhwan was cheating. He had already decided the outcome of this night before the date happened. All he needed were answers—and those were the only reasons why he came.

He needed the answers so that he could finally move on.

“I accepted that man, Jiwon. I loved that man to a fault. Defended that man and believed that he would pull through. Nothing but blind faith and love for that man, even if he always left me.”

Jiwon turned to Jinhwan, and their eyes locked. All Jinhwan could see in Jiwon’s were pain. “That was why, hyung. I knew you loved me for who I was, even if I was becoming someone you wouldn’t like. Do you know how scary that was? To know that someone is there, loving you, even if you hurt them? Even if you hurt them so many times, and you leave them, over and over? Even if you’re becoming the person you knew they would hate? And I tried, hyung, I tried to make you hate me—”

Jinhwan smirked, muttering “huh” in a very low voice, but Jiwon heard it, making him stop. Surprise was written all over Jiwon’s face. “You… hate me?” Jiwon asked, his voice breaking. _As if this was the most shocking thing, ever_ , Jinhwan thought bitterly. _As if you didn’t expect it to happen, when you said you tried to make me hate you_.

Jinhwan let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know if you would call it hate, Jiwon,” he said, voice still low.

Jiwon turned to face him, sitting on his legs. He reached for Jinhwan’s hands on his lap, but Jinhwan didn’t move. “Then what?” Jiwon asked, his tone not pressing.

“You left, and you didn’t come back. I searched for you, I found you, but you didn’t… reciprocate. You were too far to be reached. You had your own life, and I was… waiting for you to slow down so I could catch up. And then you were gone again…” Jinhwan paused, taking a deep breath. “And then you find me again, always, because I’m always there where you leave me. I was happy you were back. Extremely happy. Cloud-nine-and-I-don’t-want-to-come-back-down kind of happy. But you left me again, Jiwon. Over and over, you did that to me. I lost count of how many times you did it.”

Jinhwan removed his hands from Jiwon’s, wiping his tears with the back of his palms. He let out another shaky breath, not placing his hands back in Jiwon’s. But Jiwon kept his hands on Jinhwan’s thighs, as if he was scared that if Jinhwan got full of this, he would just stand up and walk away.

“And then you tell me you love me. It was the one thing I have waited for, Jiwon. All these years. Year Eight of this whole whatever we’re in. You finally told me you loved me and there wasn’t an ‘as a friend’ appended to it. _Finally_.” Jinhwan looked away, remembering the bitter taste of that day.

_An unknown number called Jinhwan, and he had a bad habit of picking up on those kinds of calls. It was Jiwon on the other line, and his heart immediately warmed at the sound of Jiwon’s voice. The younger guy’s first greeting after Jinhwan said hello was that he has some news, which made Jinhwan nervous. They hadn’t talked in a year, and then out of the blue, Jiwon called to say he has some news._

_“But before I tell you the news, I want you to know something first.”_

_“Okaaaay,” Jinhwan replied, unsure and scared. He swallowed the lump in his throat and waited._

_“You have to remember that whatever happens, I love you. More than anyone in this world. I always have. You always have a special place in my life, Kim Jinhwan. You were always home.”_

_Jinhwan didn’t speak, overwhelmed by the sudden confession. He let the words sink in—_ the first time Jiwon ever told him that he loved him, ALWAYS HAVE— _but the impending news still bothered him. He couldn’t relish the moment, because he_ knew _there was something else._

_Something bigger than that._

_Jinhwan laughed nervously. “You make it sound like you’re dying!”_

Jinhwan shook his head, a fresh batch of tears springing in his eyes. His mind slid back to the present, and he remained silent, because it was Jiwon’s turn to admit what he did. He wanted Jiwon to own up to what he did that night two years ago, because that was the night that slowly killed Jinhwan’s love for him. The proverbial nail in the coffin, the first night in eight years that Jinhwan raised the white flag.

“And then I tell you I was going to be a father.”

Jinhwan nodded, unable to trust himself to speak. His world shattered at those words, that Jiwon got his girlfriend at that time pregnant. He didn’t even have time to celebrate the fact that he finally heard from Jiwon the words he waited to hear, because his world came crashing down at that moment.

“Why did you have to do that, Kim Jiwon? Tell me you love me, more than anyone, that I was _home_ , and then say afterwards that that was it, it was over, because you have to marry her, and you were going to have a family?” Jinhwan seethed, his voice shaking in anger. “It was _inhuman_ , Jiwon, to make another person _hope_. It was inhuman to make them feel alive again only to drop them at the last second for dead.”

Jiwon opened his mouth to speak, but he was at an obvious loss for words. And then he tried again: “Was that when you started to hate me?”

Jinhwan sighed again, shaking his head. “It isn’t hate, Jiwon,” he repeated. “I’m tired.”

Jiwon blinked away the tears from his eyes. “Of loving me?”

“Yes,” Jinhwan admitted, breathless. “And of waiting for you. To stay. To choose me. To love me. To be with me. To be the man that I painted you to be. Or be any man, for that matter, as long as you were there to be my better half. To not leave.”

Jiwon grabbed at the older guy’s hands. “Hyung, I am here now. I am yours—”

 _You were never mine, Jiwon,_ Jinhwan wanted to say. _And I don’t think you can ever be._

“Can you see me, Jiwon? Can you really, _truly_ see me?” Jinhwan said instead, cutting Jiwon off, and the younger guy stopped. He gazed at Jinhwan, eyes surveying him, inspecting him, as if under a microscope. Reading Jinhwan, like he was his favorite book, even if Jiwon never really liked to read. Singing Jinhwan, like he was his favorite song, knowing every single note and word.

 _What do you see, Jiwon?_ Jinhwan thought, as he stared back. It took everything in him not to drop his gaze. _Do you see me, the boy who lived next door from you, who walked with you to school every day for a good part of both our childhood? The boy a year older than you but looked out for you, because I liked you? The boy who got confused because I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO LIKE A GUY, I was supposed to love a girl, but you told me preferences didn’t matter, LOVE IS LOVE, and so I LOVED YOU?_

_Or do you see me, another chance, another opportunity, because maybe you’re done, you finally want to come home, and I was that option, the last resort? Because you thought I was always going to take you in?_

Jiwon reached up, touching Jinhwan’s cheek, chin, and then his lips. The touch was gentle and fleeting, and Jinhwan closed his eyes, trying to breathe steadily while trying to hold back his sobs.

And then after a few beats, Jinhwan felt Jiwon’s lips touch his, soft and delicate, their tears mixing as they melted into each other. This was their first kiss, and despite everything, it lived up to all of Jinhwan’s expectations over the years. Jiwon’s passion took over, and Jinhwan went along with it, the kiss deepening, tongues dancing. The younger guy clutched at Jinhwan’s face, the other hand on his nape, needing Jinhwan more than he needed air.

But they needed to breathe, so they broke apart, and Jinhwan opened his eyes. He bit his bottom lip to stop his sob. Jiwon’s taste was still on his lips—and it was a taste that Jinhwan knew he won’t ever forget.

 _Thank you, Jiwon, for making me experience this_.

Jiwon sighed heavily, eyes locking with Jinhwan’s, rising to the challenge. “I see the man that I love, already given up.”

Jinhwan swallowed the lump in his throat, nodding. “Let me go, Jiwon,” he pleaded. “Please let me go.”

“Hyung, I’m staying this time—”

Jiwon stopped when Jinhwan let out a sound that was half-growl, half-groan. “I want you to stop making promises that you can’t keep. I can’t do this anymore. You have to let me go,” Jinhwan said, his voice steady.

“I can’t,” Jiwon said, shaking his head repeatedly, tears streaming down his face.

“You have to. You owe me this, Jiwon. For all those years I’ve loved you. Let me go. This is what I need.”

“I love you, Kim Jinhwan,” Jiwon repeated, and Jinhwan knew he meant it this time. This was a man who was going to stand by these words now, not a man who would run away.

_But it’s too late._

Jinhwan held Jiwon’s face in his hands, urging the younger guy to look at him, wanting him to see how much he needed this. That he meant it, too. “And I don’t have it in me to love you anymore. You broke my heart into so many pieces so many times, Kim Jiwon. There’s nothing left in me for you.”

Jinhwan watched the lips that just kissed him quiver. Jiwon’s eyes betrayed him, the pain searing through, evident on his face. A sob escaped Jiwon’s lips, and Jinhwan pulled the younger guy towards him, crushing Elmo between them, and he held Jiwon, trying to hold him together.

“I need you to love me enough to let me go, Jiwon,” he whispered into Jiwon’s ears. “Loving you wasn’t good for me, and I don’t think it ever would be. You held me back for so long. Love me enough to let me go, Jiwon. I need you to do that.”

Jiwon whimpered, shaking in Jinhwan’s arms as one sob rocked into another, ripping through Jinhwan as it ripped through the man in his arms.

******

**_JIWON_ **

Jiwon had always prided himself for being able to control and manage his temper, but that Junhoe scene pushed him over the edge. He stewed in his anger and jealousy, even if he knew he was better than this. He let the monster eat him up from inside, just like every other time that he got jealous of someone getting close to Jinhwan. It was always a slow burn, a reminder that keeps alerting him of how he could’ve easily remedied that had he just manned up and told Jinhwan how he really felt.

He felt Jinhwan’s fingers in his hand wriggle, and that was when he realized he was holding the older guy’s hand too tightly. He released them a bit but didn’t let go, glancing at Jinhwan to check for any indications if he was mad at him, too.

“Sorry,” Jiwon said at the same time Jinhwan did, and he stopped walking. He stared at Jinhwan, coffee cup in hand like him, cussing at himself because _they forgot the donuts_ but that’s not important at this time. Jinhwan had the Elmo tucked under his arm and he looked so cute, and Jiwon just wanted to tell Jinhwan everything and nothing at the same time. He wanted to be with Jinhwan, in every which way possible, but he didn’t know where to start.

 _Can I be one of your favorite books, hyung, so that it’s easy for you to understand what’s going on inside me?_ Jiwon thought. _I LOVE YOU, KIM JINHWAN, AND I NEED YOU—that was all I needed to say._

Jiwon opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again because he couldn’t say it. He was mad at himself, because why was he always afraid to say it to Jinhwan? It wasn’t like Jinhwan had rejected him or anything; Jinhwan was the last person in the world who would.

Jinhwan stared back at him, sipping his coffee, waiting for Jiwon to finally say something.

“Why are you still seeing Junhoe?”

Jiwon chastised himself. Out of all the things to say, of all the things to start with, it was what his mouth chose to spit out.

It made Jinhwan smirk. “We’re good friends,” he replied, that nonchalant tone in his voice ticking Jiwon off. Jiwon shook his head, trying to gather his patience. He looked beyond Jinhwan and at the night sky, calming himself down. _Get it together,_ he told himself. _You finally get the chance, and here you are, slowly screwing it up again._

“But he hurt you.”

Jinhwan responded with a wry smile. “If I don’t become friends with every person who has hurt me, I might have just chosen to exile myself in a secluded island.” His tone was tired, as if it was a question that he had been asked all the time. Jiwon wondered if when Jinhwan was asked that, it was about Junhoe or about him. “And if that was the gauge, then what am I doing here with you?”

Jiwon paused. He needed to do this. He must fight for Jinhwan this time. He wanted to. Why was it that when it comes to Jinhwan, Jiwon always felt powerless and scared? Was it because Jinhwan’s love consumed him, like a blackhole ready to swallow him? Jinhwan’s love had always been pure, innocent, and sure, while Jiwon’s… Jiwon’s was tainted and always uncertain.

Jiwon walked to the nearest bench and the older guy followed him. The quiet hung in the air between them, and he wondered what Jinhwan was thinking. His hyung was clutching at his coffee cup as if he was ready to crush it in his hands, and Jiwon knew he was just brewing under the surface. He knew Jinhwan was about to burst. A landmine that Jiwon had just stepped on after being buried for so long, triggering it, and it was ready to explode. 

Jiwon placed the coffee cup on the bench at the same time Jinhwan did. They couldn’t look at each other, not yet, because the evening sky was tempting enough to distract them with a blanket of stars. _If you had one wish, hyung, what would it be?_ Jiwon thought, wanting to ask the man beside him. _Mine is, without question, for us to be together until the end of time_.

Jiwon knew he had to start it. Forever had to start somewhere, and tonight would be a good starting point.

Jiwon took a deep breath, and then spoke, breaking the silence. “We’re at that part of the day that I was hoping we wouldn’t get to, but… we’re here.” He paused, waiting for Jinhwan to speak.

“Why, Jiwon? Why _just now_?”

Jinhwan’s voice broke, and Jiwon wanted to hug him right there and then. He watched as Jinhwan clasped his shaking hands on his lap, a semi-barrier between them, so he couldn’t. Jiwon dropped his eyes, not wanting to look at Jinhwan’s face because the pain of all the ten years had just rushed to the surface.

It was time, Jiwon knew. Maybe if he would tell Jinhwan all of these now, there was still room for forgiveness, and there was still a chance for the two of them.

“I was scared. Each time I want to take that step—to ask you out, to woo you, to… _love you_ —the fear that I’d lose you takes the best of me.”

“I think if there was one thing that you were forever sure of, Jiwon, was that you weren’t ever going to lose me,” Jinhwan said angrily. “That was why you keep on coming back.”

“No. No, Jinani hyung, no.” It was all Jiwon say while shaking his head. He knew Jinhwan needed an explanation, but the tone of Jinhwan’s voice was causing him to panic. He met Jinhwan’s eyes and was almost taken aback at the anger in them. It was almost like…

Almost like loathing.

“No, Jiwon! Come on, if anything, I think I have proven—time and again—that I would always stay. And I did, didn’t I? It’s been ten years. Even if you’re not always there. Even if you can’t even tell it to my face that you really do—or did—love me, without the ‘as a friend’ condition attached to it. Even when… even when you finally did tell me, over the phone, that you love me, more than anyone, just to break me.” Jinhwan threw his hands into the air, obviously frustrated. He glared at Jiwon, and this wasn’t what Jiwon pictured happening.

 _“I don’t get you_.”

Jiwon knew he needed to rescue them, because the relationship he wanted to happen with Jinhwan was going down the drain before it even started. So he did it, he said what he came to do.

And he knew he had to do it right. Not like how he used to tell Jinhwan so many times before. I love you, AS A FRIEND—as those last three words served as a buffer for him before. It kept Jinhwan in his life without him fully committing to the man in front of him.

He had to be clear this time.

“I love you, Kim Jinhwan. I meant what I said when I said it. Without all those damn clauses. Not just a friend. More than a friend. More than anyone and—”

But Jinhwan had cut Jiwon off before he could complete his long overdue declaration of love.

“Then why the fuck did you not stay, huh? If you really did love me, why didn’t you get over that stupid fear and fight, Jiwon?”

 _I really did screw you over, huh, hyung?_ Jiwon thought, as he absorbed each of Jinhwan’s words. _Are you already too far away, at the point of no return?_

Tears sprang into Jiwon’s eyes, and he blinked them away.

“Do you know how hard those ten years were for me, Jiwon?” Jinhwan asked, unstoppable, and Jiwon almost nodded. He did—more than anyone. If he could list all his offenses to Jinhwan and give them a corresponding penalty, he would be serving multiple life sentences in jail for hurting Jinhwan over and over. For each time he had lied about _not_ loving Jinhwan. For each time he came back in his hyung’s life and left again, and each time he knew he was breaking Jinhwan’s heart but he still kept on doing it.

For each time he had taken Jinhwan for granted.

“You didn’t choose to study in the uni where I was, even if we made a pact. You chose to study in the city, far away from me. But I waited. For you to come back. But you….” Jinhwan paused, and Jiwon already wanted to pull him in. Like his voice, Jinhwan’s hands were shaking. “You forgot all about me. All I heard were news about you and how you were slowly screwing up your life. I thought… okay, maybe you have really moved on and you’ve forgotten about me and your stupid promises—”

But Jiwon never forgot. He remembered every single promise he made to Jinhwan. But it was another reason that kept him from coming back to Jinhwan. “I didn’t want you to see who I was becoming, Jinhwan hyung,” he cut in, dropping his head. He knew all his past mistakes and never forgot them. He enjoyed life too much and didn’t care about the consequences at that time. He was a horrible person, and he knew he became that because there wasn’t a Jinhwan to keep him check, to stabilize him.

“What? The man who fails his subjects, even Korean? The man who… who spends his days out with his friends, not even lifting a page of any book?” Jinhwan said, and Jiwon knew he was just barely trying to keep it together. And he couldn’t blame Jinhwan, but what Jinhwan didn’t know was that he was only listing the minor offenses. He didn’t mention that Jiwon dabbled with some drugs and that got severely drunk for days at a time, that he had this rebellious phase that his parents constantly reminded him about. His parents almost disowned him at that time, and he was thankful they didn’t.

Jiwon was still atoning for those sins to his parents, for bringing dishonor to their name, just as he was still atoning for his sins to Jinhwan.

“I accepted that man, Jiwon. I loved that man to a fault. Defended that man and believed that he would pull through. Nothing but blind faith and love for that man, even if he always left me.”

Jiwon turned to Jinhwan, and he held Jinhwan’s gaze. He was lucky, he knew that—because there was this person, who loved him, flaws and all, and gave him all the love he probably could ever ask for. He knew that a lot of people wished and prayed to find someone who would love them unconditionally, no questions asked, and he had that person.

“That was why, hyung. I knew you loved me for who I was, even if I was becoming someone you wouldn’t like. Do you know how scary that was? To know that someone is there, loving you, even if you hurt them? Even if you hurt them so many times, and you leave them, over and over? Even if you’re becoming the person you knew they would hate? And I tried, hyung, I tried to make you hate me—”

Jiwon broke off when he heard Jinhwan say “huh,” the smirk on his hyung’s face telling him that he had succeeded. He had managed to make Jinhwan hate him.

And that made Jiwon terribly sad, as it was one accomplishment he wasn’t and would never be proud of.

“You…hate me?” Jiwon asked, his voice breaking at the end.

Jinhwan sighed heavily. “I don’t know if you would call it hate, Jiwon.” His voice was low, as if he was ashamed that he had felt it.

 _But it’s okay, hyung,_ Jiwon wanted to say. _It was entirely valid to hate me._

Jiwon faced him, sitting on his legs. He needed a connection to Jinhwan because he felt that the older guy was slipping away, so he reached out for Jinhwan’s hands on his lap, thankful that he didn’t pull away. But Jiwon’s hands were shaking, and he couldn’t stop them.

“Then what?” Jiwon asked lightly.

“You left, and you didn’t come back. I searched for you, I found you, but you didn’t… reciprocate. You were too far to be reached. You had your own life, and I was… waiting for you to slow down so I could catch up. And then you were gone again…” Jinhwan replied, and Jiwon nodded. He had always lived life on the fast lane, as Jinhwan always told him. He was on a race car and Jinhwan was on a bike, always trying to keep up with him.

“And then you find me again, always, because I’m always there where you leave me. I was happy you were back. Extremely happy. Cloud-nine-and-I-don’t-want-to-come-back-down kind of happy.”

Jiwon knew that time that Jinhwan was talking about, because he was also feeling ecstatic at that point. He and Jinhwan were happy—at that time, he felt that it was the right time for them, and just as he was going to confess, he was called to serve. 

He had to leave Jinhwan again.

“But you left me again, Jiwon. Over and over, you did that to me. I lost count of how many times you did it,” Jinhwan finished. He removed his hands in Jiwon’s, wiping the tears that flowed freely from his eyes.

Seeing Jinhwan like this made Jiwon feel like he was burning in hell. His punishment was this, to see Jinhwan, listing all his transgressions to him, over and over. There were other punishments worse than this, ones he had thought of while he was in service and there wasn’t anything else to do but think. He had thought of scenarios where Jinhwan was happy with another man, who was giving him the life Jiwon wanted to give him, and another one where they finally got together, but he made Jinhwan unhappy all the time.

He didn’t know which one hurt more, but something told Jiwon that he was about to find out soon.

Jinhwan took a deep breath, keeping his hands on Jinhwan’s thighs, re-establishing a connection to his hyung even though he knew Jinhwan had already slipped away. “And then you tell me you love me. It was the one thing I have waited for, Jiwon. All these years. Year Eight of this whole whatever we’re in. you finally told me you loved me and there wasn’t an ‘as a friend’ appended to it. _Finally_.”

Jiwon watched as Jinhwan looked away, probably recalling that day. The same thing probably replayed in their heads: Jiwon calling him, telling him he had news. But saying that before he had to break the news, he had something else to say.

“You have to remember that whatever happens, I love you. More than anyone in this world. I always have. You always have a special place in my life, Kim Jinhwan. You were always home,” he remembered telling Jinhwan, and a nervous laugh was Jinhwan’s response on the other line. Jinhwan didn’t even say he loved Jiwon back, and Jiwon credited that to the nervousness.

“You make it sound like you’re dying!” was Jinhwan’s reply.

And Jiwon was—at least he felt he was. Because the news that he was going to break to Jinhwan, it was a life-changing one, the worst and the best one yet. The worst, because it could mean that he couldn’t be with Jinhwan anymore; the best, because he was getting a blessing. An unexpected one, but still, a blessing.

Jiwon brought his mind back to today. Jinhwan wasn’t speaking, as if waiting for Jiwon to recount this. Jiwon hadn’t been accountable for Jinhwan, his love for the man, or for anything else in the course of their relationship, but he was going to own up to this.

“And then I tell you I was going to be a father.”

Jinhwan nodded, and Jiwon knew that if his hyung would speak, he’d probably just end up breaking down even more than he had.

 _Have I told you, hyung? My daughter, Seiyeon, is like you. She’s the only one besides you that anchors me to the best things in life,_ Jiwon wanted to say.

“Why did you have to do that, Kim Jiwon? Tell me you love me, more than anyone, that I was _home_ , and then say afterwards that that was it, it was over, because you have to marry her, and you were going to have a family?” Jinhwan said, seething. “It was _inhuman_ , Jiwon, to make another person _hope_. It was inhuman to make them feel alive again only to drop them at the last second for dead.”

Jiwon opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t. He knew what he did was brutal, and he regretted that moment immediately after it happened, and it caused a lot of sleepless nights. He shouldn’t have told Jinhwan that he loved him at that time; it wasn’t the right moment.

But he had to, because he knew, in any way after this, that the news would break them apart.

And Jiwon completely understood why it took him another two years before he found Jinhwan. Year Ten. Jinhwan hid pretty well, and Jiwon was busy being a father and a sort of husband at the same time. But his relationship failed, just like every single one after he met Jinhwan. Because aside from being his anchor, Jinhwan was his standard, the benchmark with which he held everyone he loved—or thought he loved—against.

“Was that when you started to hate me?”

Jinhwan shook his head. “It isn’t hate, Jiwon,” he repeated. “I’m tired.”

His voice matched the look on his face and the emotions in his eyes. Hollow, cold eyes. Weary. _I lost you already, didn’t I, Jinani?_

Jiwon blinked his tears away at this realization. _Jinhwan is tired_. “Of loving me?” he dared to ask.

Defeated—it was another emotion that Jiwon read on the older guy’s face. “Yes,” Jinhwan whispered. “And of waiting for you. To stay. To choose me. To love me. To be with me. To be the man that I painted you to be. Or be any man, for that matter, as long as you were there to be my better half. To not leave.”

Jiwon grabbed at Jinhwan’s hands, not going to let the love of his life to leave. “Hyung, I am here now. I am yours—”

But Jinhwan cut him off, not wanting to hear it. Jiwon knew he was too late. “Can you see me, Jiwon? Can you really, _truly_ see me?” Jinhwan whispered, that soft voice breaking Jiwon, shattering his heart into pieces.

Jiwon stopped, staring at Jinhwan. There wasn’t any more hint of love in Jinhwan’s eyes for Jiwon. He saw that whatever love that once was there, it was gone—snuffed out by the years of waiting and fighting. _You had lost more than you have gained, Jinani, and it was my fault. You have been through it all—a happy life with me and without me, and an unhappy life with me and without me. If we tally up the years, the sad and bad ones would outweigh the good ones, and you held on for far longer than anyone could._

Jiwon tried to search the eyes of the man across him. He wanted to promise that right here, at this moment, that all those years he had made Jinhwan unhappy, he would repay them. But the dark, dull, empty eyes that stared back at him told him it was over, the door had closed, deadbolted and locked by tens of different keys, and that Jinhwan had thrown the keys into the ocean.

He reached up touched Jinhwan’s cheek, thumb brushing over his mole, his cute chin, and the lips that he had longed to taste. Jinhwan’s eyes closed at his touch, and he watched as his hyung tried to control his breathing, like the air was too thin. Jinhwan held back his sobs, trying to hold it together when he had every right not to.

_I want to make this right, hyung. I wanted to fix us—_

Jiwon laid his lips on Jinhwan’s, and they were the softest lips he had ever kissed. They tasted sweet because of Jinhwan’s three-sugared coffee, but salty at the same time because of the tears he had cried. He kissed Jinhwan, with the ten years of loving him behind him, with all the passion in the world that he had. He was surprised when Jinhwan responded, slow at first. And then the kiss deepened—

Jiwon didn’t want the kiss to end, not ever, but they needed air. So he broke free, out of breath, and he wanted to dive back in. When he opened his eyes, he saw Jinhwan biting his lower lip, trying to stop himself from crying.

Jiwon could still taste him, on his lips, in his mouth, and it was a feeling he would remember forever.

And he remembered, too, everything that Jinhwan had asked him to see.

Jiwon sighed heavily, gazing into Jinhwan’s eyes, braving through the words. “I see the man that I love, already given up.”

Jinhwan swallowed, nodding. “Let me go, Jiwon,” came Jinhwan’s desperate plea. “Please let me go.”

“Hyung, I am staying this time—”

But Jinhwan stood his ground. “I want you to stop making promises that you can’t keep. I can’t do this anymore. You have to let me go.” The steadiness in Jinhwan’s voice sent shivers down Jiwon’s spine.

“I can’t,” Jiwon said, with equal conviction. He shook his head repeatedly, letting his tears to stream freely down his face.

“You have to. You owe me this, Jiwon. For all those years I’ve loved you. Let me go. This is what I need.”

Jiwon’s plea came out desperate, too, in the form of three words that have probably lost their meaning to Jinhwan when it came from him: “I love you, Kim Jinhwan.”

Jinhwan reached out for him, holding his face in his hands, making Jiwon see him again. “And I don’t have it in me to love you anymore. You broke my heart into so many pieces so many times, Kim Jiwon. There’s nothing left in me for you.”

It wasn’t an I-love-you-too or a we-can-work-this-out.

It hit Jiwon, a realization that he thought would never happen: _KIM JINHWAN DOES NOT LOVE HIM ANYMORE_.

And then it broke free, the pain, flowing through everywhere else inside Jiwon. A sob escaped his lips, and Jinhwan gathered him in his arms, casting aside the coffee cups and Elmo between them, and he held Jiwon. Jiwon clung to him, tight.

“I need you to love me enough to let me go, Jiwon,” Jinhwan whispered into his ears. “Loving you wasn’t good for me, and I don’t think it would ever be. You held me back for so long. Love me enough to let me go, Jiwon. I need you to do that.”

Jiwon whimpered. This was the only thing that Jinhwan had asked from him. Not for him to stay, to love him back, to leave the service and just be with Jinhwan.

The one thing the man he loved the most had asked from him was to be free of him.

The pain exploded, ripping Jiwon apart, and he shattered in Jwon’s arms.


	6. Chapter 6

**_JINHWAN_ **

He and Jiwon were there, under a blanket of stars, the blue moon bright and big in the nigh sky. They sat now on the hood of Jiwon’s car, in the near empty open parking lot. Jiwon’s head was on his lap, and he ran his fingers through the younger guy’s hair, almost absently.

Jiwon still had tears on his face, but he had finally stopped crying. Jinhwan could see how much Jiwon was hurting, but this pain was necessary.

There were too many memories between them, but it must end if Jinhwan had to move forward.

Jiwon reached up, his hand searching for Jinhwan’s. He held Jiwon’s hand, threading his fingers through the younger guy’s, praying that this was enough to keep him together before he would leave him to fall apart on his own.

******

**_JIWON_ **

Jiwon tried to imagine that this moment—his head on Jinhwan’s lap, as they watched the time pass them by under the night sky—was possible only because he loved Jinhwan and Jinhwan loved him back, and that they would get their happy ending.

Jinhwan ran his fingers through Jiwon’s hair, and the younger guy relaxed under his touch despite the pain and tension his body was feeling.

It was over, Jiwon finally realized. He was too late.

He remembered the day Jinhwan came into his life. He was the shy hyung who lived next door who never talked to Jiwon because—as Jinhwan revealed later—he thought Jiwon was a jerk.

And he was.

And maybe he still was one, given all the times he had broken Jinhwan’s heart.

Ten years.

And it must end somehow. Not the ending Jiwon wanted, but he understood it. He was holding Jinhwan back.

Jiwon reached up, looking for Jinhwan’s hand, and the older guy clutched at his fingers tightly.

_I understood, but how am I going to let you go, Kim Jinhwan?_

******

**_JINHWAN_ **

“Is this goodbye, hyung?”

Jinhwan’s hand was already on the car’s handle, ready to open it, but he stopped when Jiwon spoke. Slowly, he turned towards Jiwon, giving him a sad smile. “Thank you for the great night. It was perfect until, well… the end,” he said softly, and Jiwon sighed.

“It _is_ goodbye.”

Jinhwan locked eyes with Jiwon, and then nodded. “It is, Jiwon. That’s what letting go means.”

“And if I can’t do it?”

Jinhwan removed his hand from the handle and placed it on Jiwon’s. “You can.”

Jiwon swallowed, and then nodded. “Love me enough to let me go,” he reminded the younger guy, and Jiwon smirked. “That is a shitty way to show someone you love them,” he mumbled, and Jinhwan rolled his eyes.

Jinhwan leaned over, planting a kiss on the younger guy’s forehead. “Have a good life, Kim Jiwon,” he said softly, and he opened the door.

But Jiwon pulled him back in, crushing him in a hug.

“I love you, Kim Jinhwan. I love you.”

Jinhwan nodded, trying to push Jiwon away, but the latter wouldn’t budge. “Hyung, you loved me for so many years. Can’t you just love me again? You said you’re tired. I can wait until—”

“I can’t, Jiwon,” Jinhwan cut in, his voice solid. “I’ve spent far too many years on you. I’m moving on. You should, too.”

Jinhwan waited for the words to sink in. After a few minutes, Jiwon finally released him, and Jinhwan stepped out of the car.

“Goodbye, Jiwon.”

Jiwon stopped, hesitating for a moment, and then said, “Goodbye, Jinani.”

Jinhwan turned and finally, for the first time in his life, walked away from Jiwon. 

******

**_JIWON_ **

Jiwon didn’t want to take Jinhwan home, because it meant it was the end. So when he finally rolled the car to a stop in front of Jinhwan’s house, what he really meant to do was to zoom past it. He wanted to run away with Jinhwan, take him away from this place.

But Jinhwan had asked him to let him go. To love him enough to let him go.

“Is this goodbye, hyung?”

Jiwon could see that Jinhwan was in a hurry to leave, and that pained him even more. He knew what the answer was, even before Jinhwan spoke. Jinhwan faced him, a sad smile forming on his lips. “Thank you for the great night. It was perfect until, well… the end.”

Jinhwan’s tone was soft, as if he didn’t want to give Jiwon another blow. But it still hurt Jiwon, and he sighed heavily. “It _is_ goodbye.”

They locked gaze, as if Jinhwan was sizing the younger guy up. And then he nodded. “It is, Jiwon. That’s what letting go means.”

“And if I can’t do it?” Jiwon asked, and Jinhwan removed his hand from the door and placed it on top of Jiwon’s.

“You can.” 

_I can’t, hyung_ , Jiwon thought. He wanted to defy Jinhwan, to fight for him, because letting him go was the last thing he wanted to do. But what good would that do?

Jinhwan was already gone.

Jiwon swallowed the lump in his throat, and then he nodded. “Love me enough to let me go,” Jinhwan whispered, and a smirk came out as Jiwon’s response. “That is a shitty way to show someone you love them.”

Jinhwan rolled his eyes, leaning over, planting a kiss on Jiwon’s forehead. “Have a good life,” Jinhwan whispered, and then he opened the door.

But Jiwon didn’t want it to stop there. One last ditch effort—

He pulled Jinhwan back in, hugging him tightly. “I love you, Kim Jinhwan. I LOVE YOU.”

Jiwon waited for him to say it back. But all Jinhwan did was nod, and then he tried to push him away, but there was still some fight left in Jiwon.

“Hyung, you loved me for so many years. Can’t you just love me again? You said you’re tired. I can wait until—”

Jinhwan cut him off, his voice swift like a hot knife slicing through butter, clear and strong. “I can’t, Jiwon. I’ve spent far too many years on you. I’m moving on. You should, too.”

Jiwon held onto him, the last time that he could do so. He loved Jinhwan, but those words didn’t mean anything now. Ten years ago, when they were still starting, when he hasn’t screwed it up yet, those three words would have meant the world to Jinhwan.

He released the older guy, and Jinhwan stepped out of the car. “Goodbye, Jiwon.”

 _I love you_ , was all Jiwon wanted to say, but he stopped himself. It wasn’t going to change anything. “Goodbye, Jinani.”

Jinhwan turned, and Jiwon counted. One… two… three… twenty.

Twenty steps were all it took for the man he loved the most to walk out of his life.


	7. Chapter 7

EIGHT YEARS LATER

**_JINHWAN_ **

Hanbin placed an arm over Jinhwan’s shoulder as they followed their tiny tots, Yeri and Seungjae, as they led the way into the biggest toy store Jinhwan has ever seen in his entire life. After multiple tries, they were blessed with twins via surrogate. Yeri had Jinhwan’s hair and eyes and Hanbin’s laugh, while Seungjae had Hanbin’s fierce eyes and dimpled smile and Jinhwan’s mole on the right cheek. When the twins were born, they thought it was Jinhwan’s sperm that fertilized the egg, but as the kids grew up, they weren’t sure.

Was it genetically possible for two sperms to inseminate the same egg at the same time? Or was it two sperms inseminating two eggs at the same time, and they both latched…

Jinhwan shook his head. He didn’t care about genetics anymore, because it gifted him with two of the most wonderful kids.

It was the twins’ third birthday, and he and Hanbin had decided to give them 50,000 won budget each and they decide which toys to buy. The rest of the money they would get from their aunts, uncles, and grandparents would go to their savings.

“And pizza, Daddy,” Seungjae made Jinhwan promise. Yeri wanted Chinese food for dinner, so they were getting Italian food for lunch.

“Oooh,” Jinhwan heard Yeri coo as she stopped in front of one of the Barbie aisles. Her eyes grew big and they glistened.

Hanbin kissed Jinhwan on the forehead before releasing him. “See you in a few,” Hanbin said, as Seungjae tugged at his hand and led him towards another aisle, telling his Papa that he wanted ‘Pwime’ for Optimus Prime.

That made Jinhwan smile. Seungjae couldn’t pronounce his r’s that well yet, so when he calls Yeri, it was always an adorable “Yeli.”

Jinhwan already lost count on the number of aisles that he and Yeri had walked through, but he can count with his fingers on one hand the number of items in the cart. Just three, and still amounting far less than 50,000 won. His daughter was a bit frugal, thinking about the toys she really wanted. The delight in his daughter’s eyes was already enough to make Jinhwan happy.

He wondered how Hanbin was doing with Seungjae.

Yeri moved to another aisle already, eyeing the Uno Stacko with sheer interest. She looked at Jinhwan, her eyes bright, and Jinhwan sighed contentedly.

She pointed to the Uno Stacko. “Want,” she said, and Jinhwan nodded, getting it from the rack. He handed it to her as she tiptoed on her feed, depositing it into the shopping trolley. He followed Yeri as she went to the next rack, the puzzles, and she eyed a couple, grabbing them off the racks, and then sitting on the floor to check which one she liked the most. Jinhwan thought he saw movement at the corner of his eye, but he didn’t turn.

Jinhwan stood in awe when he realized the puzzles Yeri took where the 300-piece and 500-piece ones. Yeri’s face was scrunched up in serious thought as to which one she would get. He turned, aiming to check if Hanbin was around. He was pretty sure that Yeri got her love for puzzles for Hanbin, because Hanbin spends hours completing those many-pieced puzzles. His last endeavour was a 1000-piece Mona Lisa puzzle, which Laurice helped on.

And Jinhwan didn’t know if Hanbin felt it, that he was looking for him, because Hanbin found him, too.

“Jinani, love, look what Seungjae found.”

Jinhwan faced Hanbin, with Seungjae hopping and skipping behind him, always a ball of energy. Seungjae was holding out a box of action figures from the _Spirited Away_ franchise, and Jinhwan’s jaw dropped. He had made his kids watch _Spirited Away,_ his favorite movie of all time. “Wow,” he merely said, and Hanbin placed an arm over his shoulder.

“Seungjae said he’ll buy it for you,” Hanbin told him, and Jinhwan was deeply touched by their son’s kindness. He placed the box in their cart and picked up Seungjae, while Hanbin reached out down to pick up their daughter.

“The 500-piece one, Yeri?” Hanbin said, checking out their daughter’s choice. Jinhwan turned to Seungjae, whispering his thanks that the kid was thoughtful enough to purchase the action figures for him. He then touched Hanbin on the shoulder, and his husband started to push the cart.

“Daddy, can we go to the bookstore?” asked Yeri, and Jinhwan nodded. This trait, Jinhwan knew Yeri also got from Hanbin.

“Of course,” he said with a smile, and Yeri exclaimed, “YAY!” She kicked her feet, asking Jinhwan to put her and Seungjae down, and he and Hanbin did. She grabbed Seungae’s hand, mentioning something about wanting to check out the video game section. Jinhwan sighed, knowing that he was in a very happy place, and there was nowhere he’d rather be.

He turned to Hanbin, momentarily leaning his head on his husband’s shoulder. Their lips touched, briefly, and Jinhwan beamed at him.

This is what matters now. 

******

**_JIWON_ **

Was that Jinhwan hyung?

Jiwon thought he saw Jinhwan enter the mall. He hadn’t seen Jinhwan for eight years, not since the night he dropped him off after their first—and last—date. A man who was just a head taller than Jinhwan was had his arm draped over his shoulder. Two kids—toddlers—a boy and a girl, were running ahead of them, big smiles on their faces.

It didn’t escape Jiwon that the girl had Jinhwan’s smile.

_You have a family now?_

Jiwon felt his daughter, Chae, tug at his hand. She’s ten now. “What is it, Pa?” she asked, noticing Jiwon’s preoccupation. He took Chae’s hand, and, after a moment’s hesitation, he told her that they were going somewhere.

Jiwon couldn’t help it. Eight years since that fateful day, the day Jinhwan asked him to let him go. It was the toughest thing Jiwon had ever done in his life, but he managed to do it, because Jinhwan asked him to. Because Jinhwan said to love him enough to let him go.

 _But it would take me so much longer to find the strength to love again, Jinani hyung, as much as I loved you_ , Jiwon added.

Jiwon and Chae followed Jinhwan and his family, heading towards a toy store. They stood at the entrance first, as if thinking as to how they will go through the aisles. The little girl strayed, already enchanted by the Barbie aisle.

The man, whom Jiwon assumed was Jinhwan’s husband, kissed Jinhwan on the forehead, and then whispered something into his ear. The little boy tugged at the other man’s hand, towards the action figure aisle, and they were gone after a few steps.

“Who is he, Pa?” asked Chae, and Jiwon didn’t speak, watching Jinhwan as he followed the little girl. Chae and Jiwon trailed almost an aisle behind, so that Jinhwan wouldn’t notice he was there.

Jiwon watched as Jinhwan watched his daughter, amused by the Uno Stacko. Content flashed on Jinhwan’s face, and he looked so relaxed.

And happy.

“He’s the one you were telling me about, huh, Pa?” Chae asked Jiwon again, her voice low, as they walked to the puzzle aisle. Jiwon told Chae all about Jinhwan, because he didn’t want his daughter to make the same mistakes as he did: to not take things and people for granted and to love, with all that you are, even when it hurts. To not let your fear of getting hurt and rejected win over the chance of being happy.

What was it, that the movie once said? _The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return_.

And Jiwon didn’t want his daughter to skip past a chance of getting loved—unconditionally—because of fear.

He told her of Jinhwan, so that she would learn to take opportunities that she has before she loses them for good.

And most especially, he told her about Jinhwan so that she can also learn the lesson that Jiwon did: to know when and how to let go. 

Jiwon nodded, not trusting himself to speak. They stood there, hiding behind a big pile of stuffed toys, as the husband and son returned to Jinhwan, handing him a box of toys. Jinhwan looked a bit surprised, and he read the word “wow” on Jinhwan’s lips, as his husband placed an arm over his shoulder.

He said something to Jinhwan that made Jinhwan almost tear up, and he placed the toy in the shopping cart, picking up his son. The husband took the daughter, talking to her, just as Jinhwan was talking to his son.

Jiwon turned away, unable to handle it anymore.

He held his daughter’s hand as they walked out of the store. Chae wasn’t speaking, and he knew she was giving him the space to absorb what they had just seen.

_You’re happy now, hyung. The smile on your face is beautiful, just as how I remembered it to be. It was even brighter now._

_Letting you go was worth it._

-THE END-

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying out a different approach to this, please do share your thoughts! 
> 
> Twitter: @kecachata  
> Curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/kecachata


End file.
